The Gay Science: A 15-minute theatrical script
Foreword
The Gay Science is a fictional, theatrical play involving four characters: Mr. Sauron Gamgee, Saruman Gamgee, Gandalf Gamgee, and Radagast Brandybuck[*].
They live in a world no different from today, only that humanity is doomed to the inverse proportionality of the humans’ age and intelligence – that is, the level of intelligence decreases as they age and get older. Thus, in this “world”, all human beings are born brilliant (with different inclinations: the social sciences, biology, literature, etc.), and the highest peak of their intelligence is when they are at their youngest age. After birth, all offsprings are sent to The Village (villages in particular places and are controlled by institutions). These villages act as the “reservoirs” of the brilliant minds; the humans residing in the village (babies, toddlers, youngsters) work and harness their intelligence. The moment they are to get out of The Village, they seek for work, and at the same time, enter an academy or a school to aid their waning and deteriorating intelligence.
In this play, Mr. Sauron Gamgee is the 53-year old father of Saruman and Gandalf. His sons are currently enlisted in Rivendell – their Village. Saruman, 5 years old, is inclined in the Natural Sciences and is affiliated with the think tank inside Rivendell. Four-year old Gandalf, on the other hand, is with the Philosophy Department of Rivendell.
The play starts with the characters inside the Gamgee study. Saruman and Gandalf return home for a week-long break from Rivendell. A fellow from The Village, 8-year old Radagast (Russian), a social critic and a good friend of Gandalf, joins the Gamgees in their vacation.
The Gay Science
ACT 1
SCENE 1
(Inside the study of the Gamgee residence. Mr. Sauron Gamgee is scanning their old books in the corner as Radagast and Gandalf are seated, all busy with paper works. Haggard-looking Gandalf is wearing his usual grimy suit. Saruman, trimmed and spick-and-span, enters the study with a handful of things.)
RADAGAST
(Sighs)
Zeeez… mah birthday ez ‘n a week’z time… Haaay… I juz hate aging…
(Gandalf laughs; Radagast browses on the papers in his envelope)
Zeeez… Zair ‘as been a mistake… Zeez arnt my papers…
(grunts)
Ya have ze Manifezto with you?
GANDALF
(Slides a copy of Communist Manifesto across the table)
RADAGAST
Zeeez… Thankz…
(Browses through Communist Manifesto)
SARUMAN
(Enters the study with a handful of his old medical instruments)
Hi dad. How’s schooling?
MR. SAURON GAMGEE
(Stops reading)
Oh… Saruman… School’s fine. We’re on Hypothesis-Testing and Estimation in Statistics.
SARUMAN
Oh Hypothesis-Testing easy. Just remember that the trick there is to determine whether the standard variation and the population size are given, then that’s it. Of course, familiarize the test stats.
MR. SAURON GAMGEE
Yeah, I guess… And you sound like my Stat teacher… You should have met her, our teacher, I mean. Just about 6 years old or so… Just about your age. Brilliant kid, from The Village two cities away from here.
SARUMAN
(uninterested)
Oh really…
MR. SAURON GAMGEE
(stares at the instruments Saruman brought in)
What’s that son?
SARUMAN
Oh these? Some instruments I found in the attic. I think these are mom’s. I didn’t know she was into medicine.
MR. SAURON GAMGEE
(Goes to Saruman; checks on the instruments, then examines a speculum)
Yeah… she was… What is this called?
SARUMAN
It’s a speculum.
MR. SAURON GAMGEE
A what?
GANDALF
(enunciates; talks while scanning the book he is reading)
Spe-cu-lum. Speculum. With Latin origins. Mirror. Meaning, to look at.
SARUMAN
(Smiles sarcastically to Gandalf)
I didn’t know you got a linguist in you.
(Back to Mr. Gamgee)
That’s one, though. It could mean a mirror, or any reflective surface in an optical tool. In medicine though, it is a tool used to open a body passage… the nose, the anum, the vagina… The earliest recorded vaginal speculum was used by a Greek physician… I forgot the name…
GANDALF
(interrupts, still scanning his book)
Archigenes. 2nd century AD.
(sighs)
How old are you again, dad?
MR. SAURON GAMGEE
Nah, I know… you don’t wanna get old… getting old and sounding stupid.
(continues gaping at the Speculum)
GANDALF
(looks at his father’s amazement; talks while scanning the book he’s reading)
You’ll find it even more interesting dad if you get acquainted with the metaphors the speculum had offered in the field of speculative thinking.
(stops reading; talks while going through the book shelves; Mr. Gamgee examines the other instruments.)
Specere. Mirror. Reflection. Metaphorically speaking, dad, one “magical” feature of a mirror is its ability to create infinite reflection. And to “reflect” is “thinking” in the truest sense. And that’s the essence of speculation – to “reflect”. Mind as mirror, Saruman. Mind as mirror.
SARUMAN
(mumbles)
Here you go again Gandalf. Vague… so vague… the danger of Philosophy. How about Realism, huh?
GANDALF
What about it? That there is an objectively existing world independent on our minds and perception? Or Realism in art and literature? Attempting to describe anything exactly as they act or appear in life…
(pauses; smiles sarcastically)
Realism is not “reflective”, Saruman. Remember: Mind as mirror… Mind as mirror… What’s your age again, Saruman?
(Gandalf smiles sarcastically; Saruman stays quiet; Gandalf gets a book from the shelves, then sits down)
RADAGAST
(Interrupts)
Zeeez… Sibling rivalry, zez iz… They zay what zeparates two people ez a diff’rent sense, and ze degree of cleanlinez!
(laughs; Gandalf stares at Radagast sternly)
I waz zust foolin’ around, Gandalf. I din’t zay thinkerz or phil’sopherz look en appear grubby en unclean…
(Saruman laughs with sarcasm; Radagast clears his throat)
Can you hand me zat ezpekyulum, Zaruman?
(Saruman hands in the speculum to Radagast.)
Ze’s an old ezpekyulum. Hmmmmm…
(Examines closely the speculum)
I zee no metaphors, Gandalf.
(Gandalf and Radagast gave a laugh; Radagast continues gaping at the speculum.)
What I ze are labor relations! I zee labor in zes ezpekyulum! The hands o’ men who worked for ze production of zes ezpekyulum. I zee the inequities ‘n exploitation of an unjust zystem!
GANDALF
(Laughs)
You’re over-romanticizing, Radagast.
(Laughs)
Oh well, that’s what I really love with imagination. Philosophizing. “Thinking”, the simplest way of putting it. “Fictionizing”. Believing and unbelieving. Doubting Skepticism.
(To Saruman)
And that is what’s lacking in the Natural Sciences, Saruman.
SARUMAN
(Raises his voice.)
Oh yeah? Who says we from the Natural Sciences do not “imagine”?! If the Arts venture into surrealism… literature has hard fiction… well, just so you know… we, the real scientists do imagine, for heaven’s sake.
GANDALF
(Interrupts sarcastically.)
Oh you do? You evoke ideas, images of objects, events, relations, attributes, or processes never before experienced or perceived? Do you, “scientists”, even philosophize?!
SARUMAN
That’s the problem with Philosophy… with Social Sciences. YOU MONOPOLIZE IDEAS. How do you think did we come up with technological inventions? With scientific and mathematical theories? We started with what you guys call “imagination”. We envision something inconceivable, and then wonder, “why not”?
(shifts tone; boasts)
I am currently working on weather control[†] with a few other fellows at the think tank in Rivendell. Microwave lasers, created by the nano-technology that I have produced, make free-forming oxygen that bonds with hydrogen when fired into the Earth’s atmosphere. This process produces ozone and water. Free oxygen in the atmosphere pairs up – that’s why it’s called O2 – and I’ve discovered that firing that laser from space into the atmosphere made the oxygen bond with two hydrogen atoms into ozone – O3 and water – H2O.
MR. SAURON GAMGEE
(interrupts)
Really, son? How does that…
SARUMAN
Weather is driven by water, dad. And I found out in large-scale tests that so much water was created as a by-product of the experiments that winds shifted. More lasers, more wind. Control the water and wind, and you control the weather. Thus, we can create and “uncreate” storms… typhoons… tornadoes…
(grins; looks back at Gandalf)
So who says we do not employ imagination? Who would have thought that something uncontrollable as the weather would one day be manipulated through science and technology? It started with imagining, my dear brother – that aspect mental processing you philosophers claim to be solely yours. And puhlease… don’t boast that you’re younger than me, Gandalf.
RADAGAST
(clears his throat)
SARUMAN
What?! Do social critics imagine, huh, Radagast?
RADAGAST
(taken back by the question)
Oh… Zeeez… wazzat a zerious quezion? Zaruman… uhm… to answer “yeez” to zat quezion would be eztating ze obviouz. In za firz plaze, how did zocial criticz ‘ike Marz come up with ze idealized clazless zociety if he dint employ imazination? Zats ze entire point of communism – an imazined world… wat otherz would label as Utopia. If you don ze conzeiving a clazless zociety izn’t a form o’ imazination, zen I dunno wazzit call’d.
(clears throat)
But I don’ think zats what Gandalf waz zayin’ wid “imazination”. Of corz, it’s more zan zust making up o’ forming zomethin’ in our minds. It’s not zust “imazining” en ze most elementary level. Philozophizing is more dan dat Zaruman… Oh well, I guez…
(silence in the study)
SARUMAN
Whatever you say…
(Silence in the study; Mr. Gamgee breaks the silence.)
MR. SAURON GAMGEE
(clears throat)
Hey, hey… Let’s end the arguments now, kids. You’ve been arguing since you’ve started wearing diapers.
(sighs)
Oh well, let’s see where this will take you to. Let’s just see when you get old.
(everyone gives a laugh, then silence; Mr. Gamgee studies Gandalf who is still busy reading)
Uhm… What are you working on, Gandalf?
GANDALF
(taken back)
Oh… uhm… I’m going through the works of some Computational theorists.
MR. SAURON GAMGEE
The what?
GANDALF
Computational theorists, dad. Under Cognitive Science.
MR. SAURON GAMGEE
(mimics Radagast’s accent)
Zeeez, son… rem’ber, am not young anymore. Pleez don’ be zat technical. Zes ez ze hard part of getting old.
(Everyone laughs, especially Radagast)
GANDALF
(Puts down the book he is reading; talks to his father.)
Computational Theory dad, simply put, is that approach in Cognitive Science wherein the processes of human thinking is equated to algorithmic rules… to a kind of calculation. It uses the metaphor of algorithmic calculation as the means of managing the non-meaningful, nonsensical actions, “idiotic” processes. Computational theorists, dad, are concerned of opening the “black box” of the mind – what’s in between the input and the output, what processes the stimulus into actions… The computational rules are metaphors to explain what’s happening inside the black box.
MR. SAURON GAMGEE
(nods)
Ahhh… These… uhm… These “algorithms”, whatever they are… uhm… where did they come from? Or, how did they come to being?
GANDALF
A product of a long process of evolution, dad. Using Natural Selection as an analogy, it’s a game of generating variants… The generation of such is random… The variants are exposed to selection processes… Some variants are saved, some are not… Natural Selection in the truest sense…
SARUMAN
(smiles sarcastically)
See… See my dear brother… It all goes back to Science!
(sighs)
RADAGAST
(interrupts)
Oh… uhm… not really. Ze Computaznal Theory e’ zust one approach. If I’m not miztaken, zers zis approach detached of ze algorithmic prinziple…
GANDALF
I think Radagast was pertaining to what Umberto Eco claims that we can still talk about “thinking” without necessarily opening the black box. Eco was 4 years old when he conceptualized this approach, what has been labeled as the “thinking cognitive”. Common sense, that is. According to Eco, one flaw of Cognitive Science is the tendency to connect everything to the metaphorical computations inside the black box. Oh well, for him, we can still talk about cognition without using the computational view. There may be a link between the two, but for Eco, they are not synonymous. So what he emphasizes is the importance of the socio-cultural context in cognition. The day-to-day activities…
(clears throat)
It’s like knowledge, actually. It’s moving out of the mental processes since knowledge involves social factors… It’s being more social conscious…
SARUMAN
(interrupts)
Nah… knowledge is equated with wisdom, my friends. Expertise. Intelligence. Thus, it is the familiarity of theories, of rules, of concepts…
GANDALF
(shakes head; sighs)
MR. SAURON GAMGEE
You mean the familiarity of what is taught in school?
SARUMAN
Oh well, maybe in your case, dad, ‘cause you’re in school now. I’ve never been in school, though I know I will be in the future. But I guess you’re right with that, dad. Knowledge is the expertise of concepts, which in your case, is taught in school…
RADAGAST
(with a disapproving look)
Nah… nah… datz not ze caze, Zaruman… Uhm… yez, I’m a bit older compared to ze two of you, but ders zis research I am currently doin’ on ze latent zystem in ezucation… ze oppression ‘n ezucation… What you’ve been zayin’ az “what ez taught ‘n school” actually displays a linear relationship between ze student ‘n ze teacher. Paulo Freire, a fellow sozial critic at Rivendell, waz 3 ½ yearz old he firz came up with the idea of what we now call “ze banking conzept of ezucation”.
SARUMAN
(interrupts sarcastically)
Oh I thought you were just concerned with the exploitation on workers… and now here you are with (mimics Radagast) zeez oprezzion ‘n ezucation. Waz widiz “banking conzept of ezucation”, huh?
(grins sarcastically)
RADAGAST
Zaruman… zust zo you know… zeez banking conzept of ezucation zat we come up with, eza form of oppression. Uzing ze analogy o’ banking, ze studentz are zeen az nothin’ but “objectz”, empty “rezeptacles” dat needz to be “filled” by ze teacher. Ezucation thuz becomes an act of depositing… ze teachers make depozits in which ze students patiently rezeive, mem’rize, and repeat…az en ze case of ze Natural Scienzes, Mathematicz, Economicz… Zees projection of abzolute ignoranz in ze part of ze students eza form of oppression, connoting ze teacherz as ze superior, en ze studentz as ze inferior…
MR. SAURON GAMGEE
(worried)
So you mean we, students are oppressed?
RADAGAST
Zat’s why I tink I won’t be goin’ to school if ever my… uhm… if I get out o’ Rivendell… Zuch an opprezive system!
GANDALF
Dad, it’s just their critique on education… It does not really follow that…
RADAGAST
(interrupts Gandalf; asserts)
But it ez an act of opprezion, Ghandalf. What ze teachers claim as ze “truth” ez one-zided az doz are ze ezperiences of ze teachers… those’re completely alien to ze existential ezperience of ze students… Zes necrophilic zet-up allows ze opprezive zystem to control ze students thus annulling zer power ‘n transforming ‘n making change ‘n ze soziety…
(Mr. Gamgee looks very worried)
GANDALF
Hey, dad, it’s from a point of you of a social critic… You don’t really have to… uhm… you know…
RADAGAST
(interrupts)
But Ghandalf…
GANDALF
(interrupts)
He was right with the discussion of experiences, though. If I remember it right, German philosopher Immanuel Kant was around 5 years old when he came up with the distinction of what he calls a priori knowledge and a posteriori knowledge. The former pertains to knowledge prior to experience, what John Locke claimed that the brain is just simply waiting for something to “trigger” it… Waiting for a stimulus… The latter, a posteriori, requires experience but, according to Kant, needs to mix with what is previously in the brain. Knowledge for Kant is thus a mixture of a priori and a posteriori categories…
RADAGAST
I guez ze bottom line ez dat ze dizcussion of knowledge leadz us to ze discussion of knowledge aza powerful tool.
GANDALF
(interrupts)
Imagination, that is. It could be that imagination creates tools, imagination itself as a tool, or the thinking that tools facilitate imagination – the counterpart of the first mentioned.
RADAGAST
(interrupts)
I like ze last one. Obzect over mind. I guez it negates ‘r mental habit of thinking mind over obzects…
GANDALF
I know you’d prefer the latter. But it could work both ways, Radagast. Reality is dialectic…
SARUMAN
I told you don’t get a social critic started…
(sighs; gathers his things)
Puhlease… enough with this “philosophizing”, Gandalf, will you? I’m sick of hearing things from that freaking discipline… If I am to mock Nietzsche’s words, Philosophy… the Social Sciences… well, they are for me The Gay Science, if it can even be categorized as a “science”!
(Gandalf grunts; Saruman gives a laugh)
Really… You call that a “discipline” where in fact all you, “philosophers”, do is seek out anything strange and questionable in existence. A bogus discipline. A bogus science. A GAY SCIENCE.
(laughs sarcastically)
Oh well, can you hand me that speculum? I think I’ll bring that with me on our way back to Rivendell. Excuse me. I need to go to the bathroom.
-End of Scene 1-
[*] The names of the three main characters are from the three wizards of JRR Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy. The father’s name was taken from the name of the Dark Lord, and their family names are taken from the last names of some hobbits. The name of the place Rivendell was also taken from the trilogy.
[†] Cited from Sidney Sheldon’s Are You Afraid of the Dark? novel.
